Saturday, November 3, 2012

Kallista's Funeral: A Purple Rose Tale.

The bells on the church rang out with clarity from the steeple above, resounding its chimes throughout the small town that Spring morning. Down below stood a reluctant woebegone group, somber in dark clothing.

“Do we HAVE to go in?” Mar asked, her voice barely a whisper yet cracking with strain.

“If we are to honor our fallen friend, we must.” Thalia said resolutely, keeping an eye on a grim faced Lizzy.

“I wore my special fedora hat for her.” Hellboy said as he pulled it lower over his eyes. “She always loved it. Probably because it was given to me by Derek Landy.”

He straightened his tie, squared his shoulders then moved to go inside. Sighing Alex followed grimly.

“Might as well get it over with.” He muttered as he frowned.

“I still can’t believe she died…..” Lizzy burst out suddenly then jerked away from NJ and Skyril who were trying to console her and each other.

While in public she refused to show any emotion other than anger. But they all understood.

Red walked with Pyro, his arms around her. Sadly she turned tear filled eyes towards Lizzy.

“It’s true. They said they found her in the carwash flipping around on one of them big whirling brush things. She spun to death!”

Raven stood with Lydia just behind Octaboona. Despite her own sadness, she hoped her poet friend was taking it ok. So far he seemed to be handling it well. In Kallista’s honor he had found a purple suit to wear. As usual, he looked handsome in whatever he wore. But she knew Kallista would have loved to see her dearest love shining resplendent in his posh purple suit.

“I was told she died while trying to play the electric guitar in the swimming pool.” Skyril spoke softly.

“Really?” Raven tilted her head, puzzled. “I was told she died after being run over by a Zamboni.”
“I thought she choked on a macaroni.” Mar sobbed into her handkerchief. “I will never eat macaroni ever again!”
“No dear,” Thalia hugged her friend. “It was baloney.”

“I don’t’ care what they said!” Lizzy fumed and marched into the church. “I’ll believe it when I see for myself!”

Deeply grieved the rest of the friends followed her at a much slower pace. Just inside they stopped short.  Save for them, the priest and the occupant in the coffin, there was no one else there.

“Guess she did not know very many people.” Pyro said as he observed the empty church.

“We are it.” Skyril nodded. “It’s too bad not everyone could come. Kallista would have loved it.”

Soft organ music sounded throughout the church reverently as the friends made their way towards the open coffin.

There the dead girl lay on the purple silk lining of the Silverwood coffin. Long dark curls spread down the material on either side of her framing her pale face.

“She looks….” Hellboy nodded awkwardly as he struggled with the right word. “…..serene.”

“I don’t’ think I have ever seen her look so….quiet before.” Alex said in wonder, tilting his head as he looked at a deceased Kallista.

“Can’t believe she is wearing a Mumu!” Lizzy said with narrow eyes.

“Not just any Mumu, Lizzy.” Raven informed her. “But a special one form Hawaii. They are so much more pretty then the Mumus here.”

“What are you now? A Mumu expert?” Lydia asked Raven suspiciously.

“Knowing Kallista she is also probably wearing her trusty Bermuda shorts.” Raven continued, ignoring Lyd’s question.

“She did love her Bermudas!” Red sobbed into Pyro’s shoulder as she remembered.

Hellboy sighed and took off his hat as he looked down into the coffin.

“Kallista, you were a good friend from the start. We became very close in a short time. It was only natural that we become like brother and sister.” He began quietly. “Though, in all honesty, even though I was the younger of us, I should have been the older. I was the brains of the two of us and you were the ….the….”

“Beauty?” Skyril offered.

“No….no, that’s not it.” Hellboy said as he racked his mind for the right word. “…well, I can’t think of it right now. But you were real, Kallista. We had some good times and some bad. But mostly good. So in honor of our friendship, I give you my fedora.”

Somberly he placed his hat in the coffin then moved off to the side to collect his thoughts.

Each of them spent a few moments paying their last respects to Kallista. Finally Octaboona stood there holding onto a special parchment paper with words written in calligraphy.

“Kallista, you have been an interesting person to know. I wrote this poem in honor of you and the friendship we had.” Octa smiled sadly and gently placed the finely written poem beside the other treasures laid there by his friends. “We will never forget you.”

Seeing that she was the last one, Lizzy scowled. But no one was fooled. Forcing herself to walk to the casket, Lizzy leaned over, aware her friends had moved away to give her some privacy with the dearly departed demented Kallista. Frowning she gazed at her friend. It was true what they said. She did look serene. But that was not how Lizzy would remember Kallista. Remembrances took over as she recalled the weird and funny faces her friend pulled many times. So clear were her memories she could almost imagine Kallista even now smiling at her, winking and pulling a face.

Then, with a shock, she realized Kallista WAS in fact winking at her and pulling a face with a slight giggle.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” Lizzy screamed as she jerked back, hitting her head on the low lid of the coffin.

Like a stone, Lizzy fell on her face.

“LIZZY!” Red cried, running up to assist her fallen friend.

“Poor girl!” Thalia cried out then. “She just could not take it! It was too much for her! Now Lizzy has fainted!”

Together the friends helped Lizzy to a pew where she could rest and recover from her grief.

However, like a force of nature Lizzy pushed back the sleep that threatened her from the unwanted bump on her head and wheezed while pointing crazily towards the coffin.

“SHE……SHE…SHE IS NOT DEAD!” The poor girl managed.

Sadly everyone looked over Lizzy’s head at each other. It was clear Lizzy was going to need special care.

“C’mon Lizzy. Let’s go home. You can rest there and feel better.” Hellboy said kindly. “Hop on my back and I will give you a piggy back ride!”

“NO! NO! NO! NO!” Lizzy pushed them all back and staggered up to the coffin and looked in.

It was empty.

“SHE’S GONE!” Lizzy screamed.

“Yes Lizzy.” Octaboona nodded sadly. “She is gone now. We need to let her go and be at peace.”

“No! You don’t’ understand!” Lizzy cried. “She’s GONE!

Clearly concern, Red came up to Lizzy to reassure her but then she too saw the empty casket.

“Where did she go?” Red asked, puzzled.

Bemused the rest of the friends looked at each other, not sure what to do with not one, but two friends falling apart.

“Well sweetie,” Thalia began as she came up to Red. “I believe she went to……..HELL! SHE’S GONE!”

Thalia did a double take of the empty casket.

Shocked at Thalia’s words Skyril spoke up. “There is NO way Kallista went to Hell!”

“Whut? Oh, NO!” Thalia protested as she tried to get the words out while wildly flailing her arms.

A giggle echoed from the rafters that sounded strangely like….KALLISTA!

Everyone gasped as they turned and saw the strangely garbed Kallista standing in the balcony.

“SEE!” Lizzy pointed crazily at her now much alive young friend. “She is alive!!

On Kallista’s head sat Hellboy’s fedora and in her hands she held the poem and other treasures.

For a moment no one said anything. They just watched the grinning girl in the balcony as she waved wildly at them.

“But….why?” Was all Red could manage.

“I wanted a fedora and a poem and all these things. Now can we go and get some ice cream?”

“Kallista?” Hellboy’s voice was dangerously low.


“I am going to KILL YOU!”

In a rage he pounded up the stairs of the balcony, his friends behind him also in a rage.

Shrieking in panic Kallista fled back down the other set of stairs and was gone by the time everyone reached the top.

“WHERE DID She GO?” Lydia cried out as she looked around franticly.

“SHE WENT DOWN THE STAIRS!” Alex shouted and charged back down.

“GET HER!” Mar and Thalia screamed in unison as the followed.

For the next hour or so the townspeople witnessed what looked to be like a mini mob chasing an oddly dressed girl wearing a fedora. Shaking their heads they then chose to ignore it and moved on.

Later on the good folk of the town would remember the girl as they entered the fair grounds. For there she was, having been forced to sit in the dunk tank. Pleading, she tried to talk her friends from throwing the balls at the bulls eye, but nothing stopped them.

Strangely pleased and vindicated, all of Kallista’s friends took their turn and more turns after that, striking the bulls eye each time.

Back on Hellboy’s head was his fedora where it rightfully belonged.





    *hugs you tightly* Oh look, the spaces are back :3

  2. OMG
    I JUST OMG!!
    I CAN'T EVEN!!
    You are so fantastic you know that??

    I laughed so hard at this, just amazing :D A true masterpiece :D
    I LOVE THIS!!! :D

    AMAZINGLY EPIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D :D :D :D :D *hugs kal*



    EPICA!!!! *hugs tight*

  5. Wow, Brilliant, Kallie!
    It's so perfect and awesome and clever and funny and-*glomps*
    It's brilliant. Just, Brilliant.
    Your writing never fails to amaze me. Well done, 'Tis epical. huggles*

  6. Oh





    I'm with Raven, I was laughing IRL XD This is so brilliant! *hugs tightly*

  7. Absolutely hilarious! I loved it, it's your best comical one yet! :D

    I couldn't stop laughing! :') Jus brilliant, Kal. Great work :)

    *tips fedora*

  8. Wow. I'll get you some ice cream if you want! xD

  9. Is there any chance I could get the fedora?

    Without a doubt the funniest story about a funeral I have ever read!

  10. I was laughing so hard just now.... THIS IS AMAZING XD

  11. Bwahahaha. *dunks you several times*

  12. XD HA! Brilliance!! :D Was giggling away... felt guilty about it till the end :D WEL GOOD KALL!!!


    I honsetly couldn't stop laughing XD

    Kal you is an amazing writer!!!! :3

  14. Oh my word. This is just amazing. This is everything. The funniest funeral story I've ever come across. It was so believable. You had me fooled.

    “I thought she choked on a macaroni.” Mar sobbed into her handkerchief. “I will never eat macaroni ever again!”
    “No dear,” Thalia hugged her friend. “It was baloney.”

    This is my absolute favourite part.



    This is a really awesome wonderful fabulous totally excellent story.

  15. ~tries to stifle never-ending giggles~

    OH, KALLISTA! That was so brilliant!!
    I could not stop laughing, lolol! I'm still laughing from it! You need to be a doctor and write things like this, and you'll make EVERYBODY better! Seriously, no one can be ill after reading something like that! :D >.<
    That was awesome.

  16. “Well sweetie,” Thalia began as she came up to Red. “I believe she went to……..HELL! SHE’S GONE!”

    So hilarious! Awesome Kal. Just AWESOME.

  17. I didn't know it was this old till I looked at the dates of the comments.

    But, boy Kal! You made it really sad sounding in the beginning and now I can't stop giggling!

    I've met a few of the Bloglandians mentioned, but there are others who I haven't and some I only spoke to a few times, so it probably wasn't as good as it would have been had I known them better.

    Still, I know you, and that's good enough. :)