Friday, May 4, 2012

I am tired of existing. (Warning: this is a rant)

Yesterday seemed to be a day where both parents thought that they could treat me like crap. So they did. But they have done that and feel they have a right to do that and even (to my amazement) think I deserve it and that they are wonderful Christian people.
Yesterday was a heavier dose of my mother being provoking/patronizing/mimicking me/being overbearing/controlling. She  finally walked away smugly after hearing in my voice I was getting frustrated. She tossed a veiled insult after me. She and I both know from experience that I can do nothing. Not even get mad. Getting angry and trying to talk to them will result in lectures from not one but TWO self righteous people who believe that they are the very modal of Christian principles. Believe me I wish they were. They can be to other people. I wish they were honest enough to  say they hated me. It shows every day in their treatment of me. They way they like to throw insults at me and disregard me thoughts/views/feelings. They way they stand over me in their might as adults and talk (with much loud force) down to me and tell me who and what I am. (they paint such a bad picture and I wonder who they came up with something so opposite of what I am) They are always write and i am not allowed to talk back. Both lay mind games. DO you know what it is like to believe your parents are right and perfect all the while you are being hurt by mind games but you don't know why cause you are so  young and the hurt is so bad and there is no way to take care of it and all the blame is put on your shoulders and you have to believe it cause  you are taught from the beginning that what parents do is always right so you feel this crushing pain in the very depths of your soul and  in an instant a primal scream rips from the very depths of your soul that this is wrong but you can't cope with the thought that your parents are wrong because of what that would mean and so you take that huge burden of pain and put it on yourself and bury it with you rsoul. There was no outlet for it, no one to even listen so it could be released and a mind and soul put at ease. It was forced on me like this as a child over and over. And when provoked beyond reason to the point of desperately trying to convince parents that you don't mean to  be bad it was a misunderstanding (not realizing at that point that the parents are playing mind games and twisting everything so badly and adding things not even related to build a case against a vulnerable child)
SO much junk. Some of it spilled out that i didn't mean to say. It's not even 1/10th of what goes on here.
Just that last night I was so tired of it all. It had rained hard during a severe thunderstorm. I was away at my aunts. The basement of our house became flooded. Nothing to bad. But I did help to fix the situation. I wasn't asked because I pitched in right away before being asked. (despite what my parents believe I do this quite often in every other aspect of the house duties too)
After listing the carpet I deferred to my mom (knowing she likes to be in charge and make the decisions) I asked if I should get some old towels. I told her it was very wet underneath the carpet. She said no an fan would take care of it. SO my dad brought down a fan. (he had gotten home only ten minutes before from being away overnight on a business trip) he saw how wet it was and snarled out that a fan would not do. I then asked him (as respectfully as I could) if I should get the towels. HE turned away in disgusted and sneered/shouted at  me that what he  wants to do is take off his jacket! There was never any thank you for me helping gout last night nor was there an apology for yelling at me. There never is. Believe me I would grasp for anything for I really want to have a good relationship with these people. But it is the same every time. I can understand in stress people snapping at one another. But still, it's mean and should never be an excuse, even if there is an apology. But to always treat me this way and even scoff at me when I speak up and tell them I d o help out around the house, it's beyond discouraging. I can't go to the church. I have tried. They all believe my parents are wonderful. When I had gone before  and started to say what has been happening, they look at m e  with an overbearing patience like they are having to listen to a naughty child who is throwing a temper  tantrum and they are the good people who have to put up with it. They get alarmed only when I tell them I ha ve gotten angry with my parents. They tell me in a serious reproachful tone that that is wrong I treat my parents that way and I am suppose to respect them no matter what.
My parents know and other people know that there is no one to help me, validate me, protect me. Anyone can come after me (and have) and get away with behavior that demeans, ridicules, and various other things. (even hitting) It makes me wonder what is so wrong with me. I feel like
For example: A  mild case_ in music. My parents and some others of my family are very opinionated. (aren't we all) they talk and agree with one another about something they didn't like. But when I say something  about the song they didn't like, I get lectured about it. It's very patronising and overbearing too. Like I am some dim witted person who can't understand anything. 
OK. Enough with this rant. I really don't care if anyone reads this or not. I am just tired of this shit. No one here (where I live) really wants to do what is right. I don't thing there will ever be anyone who can understand or stick up for me or whatever. I am just tired and no longer want to be here.


  1. *hugs Kal*
    You don't deserve any of the bull**** they give you.
    Christian my A**
    Do onto others what you wish to be done onto you.
    They aren't doing that. I really can't wait until you are 18 so you can leave that place, be safer and be Happier Kal and never have to put up with that Crap.
    You deserve way better. <3 you Kal *hugs again*

  2. You've been in hell for a long time. And I can't be there; I'm sorry. I wish I could. I really do.

    You're just going to have to keep holding on, for as long as you can. They can't be that cruel to you for your whole life. Not even half of it.

    You are amazing. You are brilliant. And I care a lot for you.

    Don't forget that. And don't forget to be awesome.

  3. Thanks Hellboy and NJ *hugs*
    I can't believe anyone could even read what I wrote. So many typos, spelling mistakes and wrong words in there. SO many incomplete thoughts.
    Some times I just wanna scream. The treat of being hit and thrown around the house scares me though as much as it frustrates me.
    I don't know if there is anything good about me or not. I have had to many serious doubts for a while. I am just simply tired at this point. But I will go on. All of teh people in blogland are really a bright spot for me.

  4. Kal, you're an amazing person, and I know telling you not to let anybody say anything else in pointless. Because it hurts, I know it does. I can't imagine what you are going through. You are impossibly strong, because I know I would've just given up. But you are STILL an amazing girl, and you STILL find the ability to treat others with a kindness you haven't received. You amaze me in everything you do; your writing, your helpfulness, your kindness, your humor, your encouragement, and I could really go on. Always remember that we're here for you, whenever you want to talk. I know I am! Don't ever give up, just know that you're impossibly better than them. They should want to be YOU when they grow up. They are obviously insane, because anybody who can't see what an amazing person you are is completely idiotic. I hope you know how much you mean to everybody on here. I wish so much that I could comfort you in person, but I'll just try to do it on here. Love ya, Kal! Never forget that you're better than them!