Wednesday, February 8, 2012

My Umbrella, In Hindsight

I know this blog is not sought out or even looked at, even when a post is published. The ones who follow do not look. So I put these poems here on this blog. It is what is in my heart so while it needs to be posted this way I know I will be somewhat protected from those who will still try to hurt me and be unjust. 
The poems are not well done but as I said, it's what I feel. What I feel has been shown to be a mere opinion for others and rather then just being given a simple hug and understanding and a listening ear, I have got something uncalled for and ugly, something I did not give to others when they needed a listening ear and understanding. Yet when even after I have still tried to talk(that also being ignored)  and am still facing people who would rather make up things then recognize my feelings on an important matter, I am treated with contempt. When I tried to call them out on it I was told I was wrong by others who did not nor didn't car if they knew the whole story.
I could say more but I really don't think anyone really wants to understand. (about something that should have been simple to understand)


I have an umbrella,
One I found after standing in the rain.
For years I had been without one
And felt the pain of the stinging rain.
The rain would pound down on me
While helpless there I stood
Not allowed to move indoors
Or cover my head with my hands
I know what it feels like to be
Beaten down without cause
And also to be treated harshly
Even when the wrongs done
Was an honest mistake,
So I try not to rain on others
And give them sunshine instead
Sometimes I get rained on
And then lighting strikes me thereafter
When further unkindness pours down
And in unfairness words are uttered.
The guilty cast the blame on me,
Making me hold the weight
Of their wrong, of their responsibility
And it hurts even more because now
Instead of just cold , sore and achingly wet
I am now burned to the core

Beautiful umbrella to shelter me from the rain
I now have protection to keep me from pain
But slowly I lower it as I see the sun
A light coming from people
Who shine like kindred spirits
Claiming  to do what is right
They seem caring, nice and full of laughter
Sharing in a sense of wonder
Love for stories and tales
Full of marvelous adventure
Happily I see that I don’t need
This umbrella to shelter me.
Though every now and then
The ones from my past
Come and hurt me with
More lightning, hail and rain
Still I saw I could turned to face
The sunshine these new people gave
With kindness, compassion,
And a caring beyond grace.
So I shined back what I could
Poor as my light was
I offered what little I had to give
Setting down my umbrella
Feeling at home with kindred spirits at last
But soon a few strikes on my heart here and there
From new people who crept in claiming
To be like minded but were always pretending
They soon replaced the ones who first cared
As my light began to disappear
Still I looked at these other people
Who once offered me light,
Refusing to pick up my umbrella
But harsh words were spoken
Under the guise of merely an opinion
And many of the light who I thought loved me too
Bothered to stay and halfheartedly listen
My sadness, cares, and worries were dismissed easily
Once again I was alone standing in the rain
Still trying to shine a light of my own
Aware its effect was not as bright or lovely
As some of the others who had come before
Still I wanted to show I forgave and cared
Wishing for the same no reproach to be felt
Grasping my umbrella once again
I held it over me as one person
Now two with more who followed
Told me my feelings where wrong
A voice taken away
With no chance to speak
Rights that others had
Were not given to me
My umbrella began to tear as I fled
Before the light in me completely disappeared
Not wanting to be destroyed
I sought and found the once present light
But one light hung back
And stood with the storm
Who first took away what rights I thought I had
With them their party grew of several more
All staring at me with hard judgement in their eyes
What I felt was turned once more into an opinion
As if they knew my thoughts better then I did
And had the right to tell me where my heart stood

First I was told to move away from the storm
By a ray of sunshine who then turned dark
For after following advice I thought caring
I now faced the wrath of that same ray of light
Who blamed me for my act of leaving
Even though I just followed the advice of that ray of light

When the storms of people became just one.
The ray of light stood with the storm, facing me coldly
Holding me to blame for all the wrong that
Entered this place that was full of light
No one stood with me
I was all alone
Once more taking on a burdened
That I was part of but did not cause
Or maybe I did when I took up the cause
To be treated equally and share my heart
I should have remained silent instead of trusting 
My heart and feelings instead being cheapened
And turned falsely into an opinion,
By definition it was not
The definition having been twisted
Just like everything else to rid the storms
Of the looming responsibilities of actions done wrong
Several excuses, not fair were even tossed out,
Hitting me like stones and drawing blood
But even in my darkness never had I
Used my pain as a means
To throw stones at others with out cause
Screaming and shouting
Even when hurt I never threw stones
Trying instead to calm the storms down
Yet I was not allowed even to raise my hands in cover
As fiery arrows upon me did shower
For the ray of light only wanted to see
Me in a certain way that was untrue.
A mind already made up even though
Only half the story was known
And a storm sulked in the corner
Pretending to be a victim
Instead of being a light shining with honesty
Fairness and equality, but stirring up strife
To thunder down on one not as strong

My umbrella ripped and torn
By the time the storms were done with me
Blacked and burnt to the core
I cursed my own stupidity
To think I had a chance to be treated with care
By others who seemed to be kindred spirits
I was unworthy of sun and meant to be in the dark
Used as target for the storms to strike their fury
Umbrella gone as well as my feeble light
I am in chains now, feet bloody with fetters
And made once more to stand in the dark
Just to make the storms and ray of light happy
Not daring to raise up my arms for any cover
And if the storms for a brief moment should feel remorse
From experience I know they will tell themselves a lie
Rather then be sorry to a broken soul
Who lost her useless umbrella
It being ripped violently from her hands
By the ones that she trusted, loved and respected.
Now being shown she would never get the same.

In hindsight
What hurts others hurts me too
But when I am hurt by the same things
That hurt others
They look away
And make me out to be
Something that has no right
To feel the pain of what hurts me
In their minds they have said
Nothing really hurt me
I was just being a person
Who made others into villains
But I know I am the same as you.
What hurts me hurts others too
I have seen this from experience
And using fairness in my heart
And if they were fair they would have seen
How often I was quick to forgive and quick to hug
And build up the ones who hurt my soul
Even though many did not care
They tore some of the pieces down
But when it became to much for me
To bare the burden of being less then you
That I could not even have the same rights as you
And what good I had was overlooked
In favor of a half baked lie
Just so you would not have to be
Honest of what you did
And when I had to stand alone
No one for me was there
Only later one stood up having just arrived
But those who later came to give me aid
Stirred up a storm, more wrath I had to face alone
Why should I be here just to please you, oh Storm?
To have to keep my arms down and my voice stilled
Being made to live as one unequaled
Seeing as you turn away
And won’t even acknowledge this
I’ll stay for the few who still show me the light
And allow me to have fairness, equality and dignity
I will not shine my light so freely anymore
Seeing that it is just sneered at and trampled on the floor
To some I am pathetic
These who treat me this way are defended.
So I will be hear, but will be distant
I know no better and see who really cares
And if I thought you a villain
It’s because you acted like one
Yet even now I see that it’s easier to act a villain
Then to be light
For in my kindness as poor as it was
Being struck down and trampled under feet
It was not worth it, but lonely and dark
 If I’m to be accused of doing something wrong
Might as well be a villain then to be
Unfairly blamed and crushed
Get rid of this heart that is caring but useless
And be able have the freedom to live
Without thought for others
And if I am like the storms of my past,
I too will be able to get away
With the wrong that I do
If I am accused of what I did wrong
Well I will laugh but at least this time it will be fair
Still I won’t care and go merrily on my way
Tearing down in my own stormy wrath
Gleeful, careless, and free from pain.


  1. *hugs* Well, I look at this blog.

    And I think that they are beautiful poems. Sad, full of anguish, but still beautiful.

    And I'm hoping that things are at least a little bit better. *hugs*

    I'm always here for you, ok?

  2. ~hugs Kallie~
    They are beautiful poems. Awful, but beautiful all the same. I think you should post them on skulduggerypoetry. If you dont' want to, it's fine, but who cares if they see? They should see, I think.
    I wish I could be around more, but I'm glad that you're here when I can be on :] ~Hugs forever~

  3. *hugs and more hugs* Love you forever.

  4. *hugs tightly and kisses her* I love you forever and ever.

    These poems are beautiful poems. Sad and terrible poems but still beautiful for their sadness. I wish I could be more of an umbrella for you. I come on when I can. I know it can never be enough.
    I read this blog. So do many others. I want you to know we are not all storms my love.

  5. I just want to say HELL WITH IT ALL! SCREW THIS! Then I want to give certain people th efinger and te ll them to shove off! I never regreted anymor ethen I do now meeting some of you. I have never felt such distain as I do to someof you. And i tmakes me hate myself some more. It fucking shit to be so stupid and t ake th efucking risk to open up and take someone into yourheart, see then screw you over mess with so meone ealse, then ditch you and place you in last place. Fucking shit! I'm tored of crap. Only way not to have crap in my life anymore is simply not to care.

    Screw all of you!
    I've never felt like swearing so much in my life! FUCK ALL THIS